dailyseinfeld:

ELAINE: I’ve got such a headache. Oh, that’s another symptom!
KRAMER: Of what?
JERRY: Rabies.
KRAMER: Oh that’s fatal, you don’t want that!
(Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)
ELAINE: I know I don’t want it! I don’t need you to tell me what I don’t want, you stupid hipster dufus!

(via The Glasses)

dailyseinfeld:

(Elaine’s sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist - both asleep)

(via The Contest)

dailyseinfeld:

Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt’s birthday and she makes such a big deal about it.
Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right?
Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
George: Funny guy, huh?

(via The Visa)

dailyseinfeld:

GEORGE: Jerry, what happened to you?
JERRY: What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour.
GEORGE: I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was trying to kill me. Susan tell him.
SUSAN: It’s a long story.
DONALD: HEY SEINFELD!
JERRY: Hey, Happy Birthday.
ELAINE: Hi.
DONALD: THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME.
GEORGE: Oh, you lying little snot. And he’s a cheater. Aren’t ya’ you little twerp?
DONALD: MOORS
GEORGE: MOOPS
DONALD: MOORS

(via The Bubble Boy)

dailyseinfeld:

WAITRESS: Hold it a second. Don’t you play on TV?
JERRY: Oh, no.
ELAINE: YES! yes. You saw him on TV.
WAITRESS: What’s your name?
ELAINE: Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY: Elaaaiinne…
WAITRESS: Garry Seinfield! I saw him on the Tonight Show.
ELAINE: Right. Hey, wouldn’t you like an autographed picture?
WAITRESS: Oh, ha ha
JERRY: Uh, I don’t have anymore pictures Elaine.
ELAINE: He’s lying. They’re in the trunk <takes car keys> Now you get to sign another one.
JERRY: I’m not lying.
ELAINE: Yeah, he is. <as she leaves>
JERRY: She’ll have a cup of coffee and a broiled chicken.

(via The Bubble Boy)

dailyseinfeld:

Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt’s birthday and she makes such a big deal about it.
Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right?
Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
George: Funny guy, huh?

(via The Visa)

dailyseinfeld:

Elaine: Oh, look at this… He’s sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he’ll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I’m doing for him… [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum— that’s helpful.

(via The Airport)

(via dailyseinfeld)

dailyseinfeld:

Jerry+Elaine: The flight’s been canceled?!?!
Ticket Lady: Everything into JFK’s booked… No, wait— I have two seats  into Laguardia— but they’re not together. It’s boarding right now.
Jerry: We’ll take ‘em!
Elaine: We’re not going to sit together?
Jerry: Well, so what? It’s not that long— you’ll read.
Elaine: Well, what about George? He’s supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.
Jerry: We’ll call him…
Elaine: There’s no time.
Jerry: No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?
TLady: There’s no time.
Jerry: There’s no time. All right, we’ll call him from the plane.
TLady: I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled.
Jerry: I’ll take the first class.
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Why should you get the first class?
Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: All right then. See? You won’t know what you’re missing. I’ve flown first class, Elaine— I can’t go back to coach. I can’t… I won’t…
Elaine: You flew here coach.
Jerry: Yeah, that’s a point…

(via The Airport)

(via dailyseinfeld)

dailyseinfeld:

Elaine: Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah…
Jerry: Hey, could you do me a favor? [pause] Could you shut-up?
Elaine: Hey guess what? This window doesn’t work.
Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothin’ ever works: the window doesn’t work, the radio doesn’t work… and it smells like a cheap hooker…
[pause] Or is that you?
Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out…

(via The Airport)

(via dailyseinfeld)

dailyseinfeld:

JERRY: You should always carry a pad and pen.
GEORGE: I can’t carry a pen. I’m afraid I’ll puncture my scrotum.
KRAMER: I have a pen.

(via The Parking Garage)

(via dailyseinfeld)