dailyseinfeld:

ELAINE: I’ve got such a headache. Oh, that’s another symptom!
KRAMER: Of what?
JERRY: Rabies.
KRAMER: Oh that’s fatal, you don’t want that!
(Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)
ELAINE: I know I don’t want it! I don’t need you to tell me what I don’t want, you stupid hipster dufus!

(via The Glasses)

dailyseinfeld:

GEORGE: You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. You have a very contented air over there. You look very contented, very satisfied. Are you satisfied?
KARIN: I’m very satisfied.
GEORGE: I’m sure if you weren’t satisfied you would probably say something wouldn’t you?
KARIN: I probably would. But then again I’m an enigma.

(via The Mango)

dailyseinfeld:

JOE: So what do you want me to do?
KRAMER: I want restitution.
JOE: Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?
KRAMER: Because it’s no good.
JOE: When you put that fruit out, that’s where it ends for me.
KRAMER: It’s still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit.
JOE: I stand behind my fruit.

(via The Mango)

dailyseinfeld:

KRAMER: So…
JOE: Hey, you got a bad peach? That’s an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don’t make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him.
KRAMER: You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.
JOE: Well let me put a solution for you: do your business elsewhere, I don’t want your business.
KRAMER: Oh now you don’t want my business.
JOE: No, I don’t want your business and from this moment you’re banned from the store, you’re banned!
KRAMER: But what am I gonna do for fruit?

(via The Mango)

dailyseinfeld:

KRAMER: You know, I faked it.
JERRY: What?!
KRAMER: Yeah.
JERRY: You faked it? Why would you do that?
KRAMER: Well you know, if it’s enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.

(via The Mango)

dailyseinfeld:

Kramer: It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
Jackie: It’s a little puzzling we haven’t gotten that offer yet.
Kramer: Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little pow-wow.
Jackie: A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn’t tell you to have pow-wow.
Kramer: She made an offer. I took it.
Jackie: How much?
Kramer: No, no, no. There was no money.
Jackie: No money? Then what’d we get?
Kramer: Check it out.
Jackie: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

(via The Abstinence)

dailyseinfeld:

(Elaine’s sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist - both asleep)

(via The Contest)

dailyseinfeld:

Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt’s birthday and she makes such a big deal about it.
Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right?
Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
George: Funny guy, huh?

(via The Visa)

dailyseinfeld:

KRAMER: So, what do you think?
JERRY: About what?
KRAMER: About the opera.
JERRY: Nah, I don’t wanna go.
KRAMER: You gotta go.
JERRY: I-I-I don’t like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it!
KRAMER: Jerry, you don’t understand, thats the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.
JERRY: All right, all right.
KRAMER: Thats the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its got that sing songy quality. Its the language Jerry, the language
JERRY: So why don’t they talk like that now?
KRAMER: Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were tired.

(via The Opera)

Happy Thanksgiving!

dailyseinfeld:

Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.
Newman: Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.
The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates
Kramer/turkey (waving wing): Hey buddy.
Newman screams and runs out of Monks.

(via The Butter Shave)