dailyseinfeld:

ELAINE: I’ve got such a headache. Oh, that’s another symptom!
KRAMER: Of what?
JERRY: Rabies.
KRAMER: Oh that’s fatal, you don’t want that!
(Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)
ELAINE: I know I don’t want it! I don’t need you to tell me what I don’t want, you stupid hipster dufus!

(via The Glasses)

dailyseinfeld:

GEORGE: You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. You have a very contented air over there. You look very contented, very satisfied. Are you satisfied?
KARIN: I’m very satisfied.
GEORGE: I’m sure if you weren’t satisfied you would probably say something wouldn’t you?
KARIN: I probably would. But then again I’m an enigma.

(via The Mango)

dailyseinfeld:

JOE: So what do you want me to do?
KRAMER: I want restitution.
JOE: Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?
KRAMER: Because it’s no good.
JOE: When you put that fruit out, that’s where it ends for me.
KRAMER: It’s still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit.
JOE: I stand behind my fruit.

(via The Mango)

dailyseinfeld:

KRAMER: So…
JOE: Hey, you got a bad peach? That’s an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don’t make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him.
KRAMER: You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.
JOE: Well let me put a solution for you: do your business elsewhere, I don’t want your business.
KRAMER: Oh now you don’t want my business.
JOE: No, I don’t want your business and from this moment you’re banned from the store, you’re banned!
KRAMER: But what am I gonna do for fruit?

(via The Mango)

dailyseinfeld:

KRAMER: You know, I faked it.
JERRY: What?!
KRAMER: Yeah.
JERRY: You faked it? Why would you do that?
KRAMER: Well you know, if it’s enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.

(via The Mango)

dailyseinfeld:

Kramer: It was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
Jackie: It’s a little puzzling we haven’t gotten that offer yet.
Kramer: Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little pow-wow.
Jackie: A pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn’t tell you to have pow-wow.
Kramer: She made an offer. I took it.
Jackie: How much?
Kramer: No, no, no. There was no money.
Jackie: No money? Then what’d we get?
Kramer: Check it out.
Jackie: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

(via The Abstinence)

Happy Thanksgiving!

dailyseinfeld:

Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.
Newman: Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.
The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates
Kramer/turkey (waving wing): Hey buddy.
Newman screams and runs out of Monks.

(via The Butter Shave)

dailyseinfeld:

Elaine: Oh, look at this… He’s sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he’ll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I’m doing for him… [To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum— that’s helpful.

(via The Airport)

(via dailyseinfeld)

dailyseinfeld:

Jerry+Elaine: The flight’s been canceled?!?!
Ticket Lady: Everything into JFK’s booked… No, wait— I have two seats  into Laguardia— but they’re not together. It’s boarding right now.
Jerry: We’ll take ‘em!
Elaine: We’re not going to sit together?
Jerry: Well, so what? It’s not that long— you’ll read.
Elaine: Well, what about George? He’s supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.
Jerry: We’ll call him…
Elaine: There’s no time.
Jerry: No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?
TLady: There’s no time.
Jerry: There’s no time. All right, we’ll call him from the plane.
TLady: I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled.
Jerry: I’ll take the first class.
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Why should you get the first class?
Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: All right then. See? You won’t know what you’re missing. I’ve flown first class, Elaine— I can’t go back to coach. I can’t… I won’t…
Elaine: You flew here coach.
Jerry: Yeah, that’s a point…

(via The Airport)

(via dailyseinfeld)

dailyseinfeld:

Jerry: ..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder…Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. HA Ha..Who do these women think they’re dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely…
Kramer: What is that?
Jerry: That’s my cockney accent.
Kramer: Nah, that’s no good.
Jerry: Lets hear yours.
Kramer: Nought blooouudy leyekely..
Jerry: That’s the worst cockney accent I’ve ever heard in my life.

(via The Tape)

(via dailyseinfeld)